Body confidence as a big guy on camera starts as a decision

I didn't wait to feel confident before my first scene. I decided I was going to do it, and the confidence came after. I'm tall and heavy-built, BHM by any definition, and I'm not muscular. Nothing about me looks like the male performers most people picture. I film my own scenes anyway, and I'm proud that I put myself out there.

This post is for the guy who's bigger than the bodies he sees on screen and wonders whether that rules him out, on camera or just in his own bedroom. It doesn't. But nobody is going to hand you the confidence first.

How do you get confident enough to be filmed with a bigger body?

You decide, and then you act on the decision before you feel ready. For me it came down to mind over matter. I wanted to do this. I thought it would be fun, interesting, exciting and challenging, and I made up my mind that I was going to.

Waiting until you love how you look is a way of never starting. The body you have is the one that's going on camera, so the useful question is whether you're willing.

What does body confidence look like on set?

Relaxed, calm and in control. That's what a camera picks up, and it matters more than how flat your stomach is. Nerves show in how you move, and the viewer feels them before they notice anything about your body.

Two things help me look that way. First, I run the cameras. Setting them up and choosing the angles means I know what the frame will show, so I'm not guessing or bracing. Second, I keep my attention on my co-star: whether they're enjoying it, and whether what we're making together is sexy. It's hard to be self-conscious about your body when you're paying close attention to someone else's.

Do people judge bigger guys in porn?

Less than you'd fear. Fans haven't been the problem in my experience. The people who buy my work want what I make, and I'd guess a lot of them are bi men and chubby bears who like seeing someone who looks like them. I talked about that on the Cam Girl Diaries podcast.

Where it does come up is with collaborators. Some performers I've wanted to shoot with have passed, or asked for a fee instead of a trade. Maybe I'm not their type, or not what they think their fans want. That's their decision, and I don't read it as a verdict on whether bigger guys belong here.

How do you handle the no's and the comments?

You expect them, and you don't take them to heart. If every no lands as a judgment on your body, it will push you out of this work fast, or stop you from trying at all. In my experience, the people who keep going treat a no as information and move on to the next ask.

There's a line from Rocky Balboa I come back to: "It ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." That's most of it. Once you're visible, the no's and the comments keep coming. The skill is not letting them decide whether you show up tomorrow.

Does it get easier?

Yes, mostly because the evidence piles up. When I started, I didn't expect anyone to follow me. Around 3,000 people follow me on X now, and that still surprises me, in a good way. It's small next to the big names in this industry, and I'm nowhere near their level. But it's real, and it grew because I kept going through the stretches when it felt like nobody cared.

That's the part nobody tells you about confidence: you build it by doing the thing while unsure, then looking back and seeing you did it.

What would I tell a bigger guy who wants to try?

If you want it badly enough, you can make it happen. Show up, be professional, put yourself out there, and get comfortable hearing no. Persistence decides this, I think, far more than your build does.

If size is the other worry, I covered that separately in do you need a big dick to do porn, from the seat of an average guy.

— Sly